the joy

of a room full of strangers

This week I had the biggest pleasure to host the Scottish launch for Motherhood Uncensored, a beautiful collection which I have an essay published in. With all the other events taking place in England I thought it was a perfect opportunity to bring together even more women, writing on the theme of motherhood and the ‘things left unsaid’, to also share their stories.

Our launch event was mainly a poetry open mic evening, with an amazing group coming together to share their writing. Some who have been doing this for a while, some who do it for a living, and some who have never spoken their creative work out loud in a room before. It was a beautiful night with such a supportive energy. It takes courage to speak your inner-most thoughts aloud, courage to be creative with the words on the page and then choose to share, to stand them up for judgement or scrutiny. But there was no judgement between this wonderful group, only support and a huge amount of understanding.

The collection, created from entries to the ‘Things Left Unsaid’ competition run by Beverley Pannell, founder of the site Uncensored Motherhood Stories, gives permission to be honest about the experiences of fertility and the journey to becoming, or not becoming a mother.

In the foreword to the collection, Professor Tina Miller writes'

So many aspects of motherhood are precious, exposing and endured but remain unspoken. As myths of motherhood as ‘natural’ and so somehow easy and instinctive continue to be perpetuated, the contributions in this collection shine a light on shared experiences that are visceral and challenging, but most of all, honest.

An extract from my essay is below:

The Search

Left behind are lonely, empty things that emphasise the size of the change that has swept over my life. A favourite candle half-burned, a book by the bed, an opened packet of pregnancy-craving cola bottles, a yoga mat hastily rolled away, used last to complete a sequence to spontaneously induce labour.

The sequence did not work.

I look at the house plants – thirsty and crispy. I try to feed the baby, feed the dog, feed myself, feed the plants. Sometimes I look at the TV where bright quiz-show contestants smile with a depth of emotion I can’t recognise. I turn up the volume over the cries of the baby and hear nothing but the pulsing in my ears.

I am fizzing with raging cortisol and in complete sensory shutdown. I can’t sleep. I’m scared of the dark. I wear earplugs in the day. Protein, sugars, and fat are taken from my bloodstream, making milk to give away more than ten times a day, but I cannot eat. The anxiety dissolves into deep heavy marshland and all I want is nothing. To do nothing and say nothing and be nothing. Postpartum insomnia, the greatest of all curses. Nobody warned me about this. How it feels to boil with frustration and watch a silent, sleeping baby as the night passes by and sleep skirts around my edges. In these black hallucinogenic moments, I am bereft, but I can also feel my new captor stealing my heart completely.

Save the Date

I had always planned to host a poetry night to raise money for maternal mental health charities, feeling their support to strongly in the early months of my postpartum and on many occasions since. The next event (which was planned before the book launch) will be at a private, intimate venue for an evening of poetry and spoken word on World Maternal Mental Health Day.

Tickets includes an open mic spot to share your creative work - experiences on motherhood, matrescence, birth, mental health, pregnancy, loss, grief, joy, the highs and lows in the same moment, identity shifts, community - whatever is important to you.

All proceeds will go to Postnatal Depression Awareness PANDAS Foundation UK and the Maternal Mental Health Alliance.

There will be handmade sourdough pizza included and a wine or non alcoholic alternative. Daddy Marmalades amazing cocktail menu (alcoholic and non alcoholic) is also available for you to buy drinks by mixologist of the year 2024.

There will be a raffle to help us raise money on the night with some generous writing-themed prizes donated.